


A Light in the Darkness

by EnglishPoet18



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Caryl, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3140156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglishPoet18/pseuds/EnglishPoet18





	1. Chapter 1

Daryl sighed as he shifted the weight of the crossbow on his back. He considered just setting the damn thing on the floor, but he always felt so naked without it so he left it on. Besides, he knew that the first time he set it down that something would happen and he would need it. Not that it really mattered anymore anyway. Nothing _really_ mattered anymore. Everything in this world that he really gave a damn about was gone. He supposed that he shouldn't be surprised. Life had never been overly kind to him so why should he expect any different now at the end of the world?

The problem was that he _had_ expected different. Over the months he had let his guard down. He had let himself believe that things would be different even though they weren't. It was all an illusion. Surprisingly he was still here though, still hanging on even though he didn't know how. He had adopted a " _don't give a shit"_ attitude since Carol had passed. He was careless and reckless with his life on purpose, but somehow he was still here. For some reason he kept bouncing back from it all. It was like he didn't even have control over his own life anymore. He _hated_ it.

He hated being _here_ especially. It was getting easier to come back now, but for a while after learning of Carol's death he had disappeared for weeks on end. He had gone on a rampage, a walker _killing_ spree, taking out his anger on the slaying of walkers until he had had nothing left. Those had been dark times for him and it was only when he had been face to face with the gnashing jaws of a walker that he had decided to just give up. He had been all set to just let it have at him and rip his skin to shreds when Carol's face had come to mind. Her voice had spoken to him and told him that he was foolish for giving up and that a Dixon never gave up. Just seeing her face and hearing her voice even if it was in his mind had brought him back to the surface and he had rammed his knife into the walker's skull, ending its life for good. If Carol thought he should keep going then for whatever reason he would do so. Only for Carol.

He had appeared back at the prison only when he felt like he had his shit somewhat together. He still didn't talk to Rick and he hadn't since the day Rick had told him of Carol's fate. He had nothing else to say to the man he had once called a brother. Daryl had only come back to the prison for the rest of the group and the kids. Rick had tried to talk to Daryl several times, but Daryl always turned and walked away, not wanting to hear what the man had to say. Daryl did what he wanted now, consequences be damned. He knew he was on a destructive path, but the _adrenaline_ was what kept him focused, what kept him _alive._ Every time he did something stupid he saw her face and he was a walking time bomb that the others began to steer clear of unless it was necessary to approach him.

Six months it had been. Six long months since he had been close enough to touch her, to _smell_ her. Six months since she had teased him in that way that only she had. Visions of her face kept him awake long into the night and he would find himself in the showers in the middle of the night, jerking himself off to the memories. It was there that he had encountered one of the women from Woodbury. He didn't really know her that well, but he had seen her around with the others from time to time. At first they had both been frozen as she had walked in and caught him in the act. His hand had frozen on his dick and they had both stared at each other, neither of them making a move. It had been extremely embarrassing for him, but after a few minutes she had walked over to him and placed her hand over his. There were all kinds of voices in Daryl's head telling him that this was wrong and that he should stop this before it even got started, but he didn't. Some deeper part of him needed this release and so he let her continue. He surrendered control and he closed his eyes to her face because she wasn't who he wanted to see. There was another face that he was imagining, another hand that was touching him. He had gripped the walls of the shower and let his mind drift to that happy place. It didn't take him long to get there. It never did when he thought of her. Minutes later he had groaned and spilled his seed all over the tile floor, muttering Carol's name like a prayer as he sighed with something close to relief. When he looked up the woman had looked at him with a questioning stare and he had glared at her, dismissing her with a look. He didn't need her anymore. He had gotten what he needed such as it was. He felt like an asshole, but it was all that he could offer anyone.

He wished he could have said that that was the only time he had cheated on Carol, but it wasn't. It had become somewhat of a routine and twice a week he would meet the woman in the showers so that she could jerk him off to visions of his angel. He _hated_ himself for it yet he was powerless to stop it.

As the sun began its assent into the sky, he knew that Michonne would be coming to relieve him at any time. She was never late. Michonne was about the only one whom Daryl tolerated at all anymore. There was a peaceful solitude about her and she didn't take any bullshit. She also didn't question who he had become; she just accepted it for what it was.

As if on cue, he heard the almost silent footsteps of the woman as she entered the tower and began her climb up the stairs to take over. Daryl didn't turn as she entered the room, but instead he offered her a piece of the jerky that he kept stored in a plastic bag in his pocket. Jerky was rare in these parts and not many knew how to make jerky, but Daryl did and he always made sure he had some in his pocket whenever he could. It had become somewhat of a tradition between them. She would come up to relieve him and he would silently offer her a piece of jerky. She accepted it as his way of greeting and together they leaned against the railing to watch the sunrise.

"Going out today?" She asked softly.

Daryl took a bite of the jerky and nodded once. She always asked the same question and sometimes he said yes, sometimes no. Today he had decided that he needed to get out. The fences were crowding in around him a bit too close for comfort. He needed to clear his head. She never asked if she could join him and he was glad. Even though he could tell that she sometimes wanted to just like they had before; before _Carol_. Now he didn't let anyone travel with him because sometimes when he was out he lost control and he never wanted any of them to see that. Those were private moments and he intended to keep them that way. Michonne seemed to sense this and she accepted the fact without question that they would never again go on runs together.

They finished their jerky in silence, passing a bottle of water back and forth between them. He sighed and rubbed his forehead before standing up straight. It was time.

"When will we see you again?" Michonne asked.

He thought about it. Sometimes he stayed gone for a day, sometimes two or a week. It all depended on how much he had to purge out of his system, how much he felt like torturing himself.

"Might be two or three days," He mumbled. He glanced up to meet her eyes that were as emotionless as ever. Underneath all of that emotion that she kept buried much like himself though, he could see the worry and the concern that she tried so hard to hide. He could see it because he himself had been there and lived in that same world every day where you never showed anyone your emotions. He reached into his pocket and pulled out another piece of jerky, pressing it into her palm, "For later," He explained and her fingers curled around the jerky with a hint of a smile. "I'll be seein' you," he said and then he was gone.

Carl was down by the gates where he lingered most every day as Daryl crossed to his bike. He could see Rick off to the side in the garden and he felt the man's eyes on him as he cranked his bike and drove down the road and out of the gate. He never once glanced back.

...

Daryl sighed into the night air as he waited for his squirrel to finish cooking over the small fire he had built. He didn't normally chance a fire, but for some reason he was feeling more reckless than usual tonight. Every once in a while he would hear the crack of a stick and he would creep to his feet, ever the silent hunter, and wait for the walker to stumble into view before taking it down with a knife through the skull. This is what his life had come to.

He removed the squirrel from the fire and set it to the side to cool while he smoked a cigarette. In the distance, he heard the telltale crunch of a leaf and he rose to his feet again, waiting. It looked like one of those nights where he wouldn't be getting any sleep for the interruptions, the dead being more restless than usual he supposed. He waited for several minutes, but there was only silence. Frowning, he used the edge of his boot to knock a little dirt onto the fire, putting him in relative darkness, but still emitting enough light to make out objects in the night. Relying on his keen sense of hearing he paused to listen. There was clearly someone there and Daryl felt himself growing frustrated that whoever it was didn't show itself so that he could get back to his meal.

"Ain't got all night you sorry bastard. Let's get this shit over with," He called.

There was another footstep and it put Daryl on high alert. That was not the sound of a walker. It was the sound of a human and Daryl slipped through the trees to check it out. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he finally began to make out a dark shape against the trees a few feet away. Clearly the person thought that they were being discreet and Daryl almost wanted to laugh at how naive they were. He made his way silently around and came up behind the person. Acting quickly, he wrapped his arm around their neck and held the tip of his knife against the pulse of their throat.

"Explain yourself asshole," he growled near their ear.

There was only silence and then he heard a whisper that was so soft he almost thought he had imagined it in his head again.

"Daryl?"

No, he had to have imagined it. Jesus, he was getting so bad now that he was hearing her everywhere. He tightened his grip around the person's neck and tried to ignore how frail they were.

He swallowed. He would not lose his cool now, "How the fuck did you know my name?" He whispered menacingly.

There was no answer and angrily he dragged the person with him back over to the fire that was almost out, but was still putting off enough light that he would be able to see who was playing tricks on him. He pulled them into the little clearing and thrust them away from him so that he could get a look at who it was.

All blood drained from his body as he was confronted with the face of _death_. He rubbed his eyes and looked again but she was still there. He must have eaten some bad mushrooms or something and now his mind was hallucinating. There was no way this was happening to him. He was going to become walker bait because his mind had decided to leave him.

"It's me," she said softly.

Daryl stared at her and then chuckled. He pointed the tip of his knife at her, "No! You ain't her! She's fuckin' dead! What kind of game you playin' lady?" He yelled.

She took a step towards him and he had to wipe at the sweat that had collected on his forehead. Maybe he needed sleep. Maybe that was the problem.

Then her fingers touched his arm and he twitched beneath the touch. He _knew_ that touch. He closed his eyes and opened them, but she was still there staring back at him. Her face was thinner and her hair a little longer, but he would know her anywhere. Her expression was one of relief and worry.

"You're supposed to be dead," he murmured even as he sank to his knees in grief, too scared to let himself believe.

She shook her head softly, "Is that what he told you? That I was dead?" Cool hands grabbed his cheeks and tilted his face up to hers. He slowly glanced up and into her eyes.

"I'm not dead Daryl. I'm very much alive," Carol replied.

............

 


	2. Chapter 2

**_..._**

_"I'm very much alive."_

Those words echoed in Daryl's head as he walked beside Carol in the woods. He didn't know where she was leading him, but he did know that he would follow her wherever she went. His mind was still trying to process the event happening before him. If for some reason this happened to be some kind of illusion and Carol wasn't really here then he would be crushed. This was the most vivid illusion he had had so far. He could _s_ _mell_ her.

He barely blinked an eye as Carol took out two walkers on their journey. He was so lost in his own word of thought that he hadn't even heard them approach and he watched her take them down as if he were watching a movie play on television. She moved with stealth and determination and not even a hint of hesitation.

The more Daryl thought about the whole situation, the more things seemed to fall into place. It had never made sense to him that Carol had died while on a run with Rick, but he had accepted it because it had come from Rick. That was a mistake because Rick had very obviously lied to him. He had lied to them _all_. That thought tumbled around in Daryl's head and settled like a rock in the bottom of his gut. Six months of time gone and she had been here all along. The more Daryl thought about this, the angrier he became and by the time Carol stopped Daryl was vibrating with anger.

"Come inside," Carol said to him.

Daryl blinked and finally glanced around. They were at the entrance to some cabin, but that wasn't what gave him pause. There were several walkers placed around the outside of the cabin tied to trees. Their jaws and arms had been removed and they stood almost docile as he and Carol passed between them.

"I got the idea from Michonne," Carol said softly. "It helps keep them away."

Daryl looked over at her and nodded. He didn't think he could speak at the moment. Six months she had been gone and she had managed just fine on her own. _Unless she wasn't alone._ The thought briefly terrified him that maybe she had someone waiting for her inside of this cabin. He paused as that thought sunk in and his chest began to heave. He felt Carol tugging on his arm and he let her pull him inside of the tiny cabin. She immediately led him over to a wooden chair and then she left him. He watched her close the door and place a piece of wood horizontally across the door to help barricade it from outsiders. His eyes followed her into what must have been a small bathroom before she came back out carrying a cloth of some sort. A small lantern placed on a table emitted a soft light.

Daryl flinched lightly as Carol grabbed his face and rubbed the cloth over it gently. Carol shook her head with a slight smile, "You haven't changed a bit, have you?" She whispered.

Daryl wasn't sure what she meant by that so he merely sat quietly, his eyes drinking in her movements like a man taking his last drink of water in the desert. She rubbed the damp cloth over and over his face, muttering to herself about how dirty he was. When she reached for his hands next and began wiping his palm, Daryl closed his fingers over her wrist. She looked at him and merely waited.

"You're really here," Daryl's voice came out raspy sounding and he cleared his throat.

"I'm really here," Carol repeated in confirmation.

"I thought you were dead. I would have looked for you. I didn't know," Daryl struggled to find the words to explain himself and everything he had gone through. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but they had never crossed that line in their relationship and he wasn't sure if she felt the same. He couldn't help thinking how he had failed her by not searching for her instead of taking Rick's word.

Carol knelt down before him and stared into his eyes, "It's not your fault Daryl. You were told a lie. I know you would have looked for me if you had known," she stated.

Daryl's grip inadvertently tightened around her tiny wrist and fingers. "He lied to me...to us all. He fuckin' _lied_ ," Daryl ground out.

Carol touched his face again, bringing him momentarily back to her and he loosened his grip quickly. "I know. I didn't think he would do that," she admitted.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill him," Daryl said.

If Rick had been standing in front of him right then Daryl would have without hesitation. What right did Rick have to make that call for the group. What right did Rick have to _lie_ to Daryl, _his brother_? Daryl felt betrayed and he trembled with barely controlled rage.

"I killed someone Daryl. I can understand why he wanted me to leave," Carol said softly.

Daryl shot out of his chair, knocking it to the floor in his haste, "The fuck you say! How can you say that! You haven't done any worse than anyone else around there! You were tryin' to save us! How can you say you understand that shit?" He spat. His chest was hurting and he struggled to catch his breath at the tight feeling there.

Carol stood up and grabbed him by the arm quickly, steering him back to the chair that she lifted back up from the floor. "You need to sit. You've got to calm yourself Daryl. You're pale and your breathing is labored." She reached into her pocket and pulled out two pills which she handed to him. "Take this aspirin. You're not looking well," she told him.

Daryl obliged and shoved the two pills into his mouth, swallowing them dry. He rubbed at his chest, trying to make the tight feeling go away. "You've missed me so much it hurts, huh?" Carol teased with a hint of a smile.

Daryl snorted and blushed a slight shade of red. He shrugged, " _Stop_ ," He said.

He could feel himself beginning to relax and slowly the ache started to melt away and he could breathe normally again. He glanced around the nearly empty room, "You been here the whole time?" He asked.

"No. I've only been here for a little over a month now. I hopped around a bit at first," she replied softly.

Daryl's eyes followed her as she picked up the cloth and began the task of wiping him down again. Her skin was creamy looking and he detected the faint scent of apples when she bent closer to him. Impulsively he raised his hand and ran the tips of his fingers over her cheek.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

Carol closed her eyes and leaned into his hand softly, "Don't. Please don't say that. I haven't had a breakdown in so long."

Her eyes opened and he stared into the blue as vibrant as the ocean. She was everything to him and she had no idea just how much he relied on her. "Did you miss me?" He risked asking.

Carol inhaled sharply, her fingers reaching up to cover his over her cheek softly, "Of course I did. Everyday."

Daryl could feel the shift in the air and the tension that began to cloud the room, but he couldn't look away from her eyes. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She leaned down slowly and carefully as if he might run away. She pressed her lips firmly to his and lingered there for several seconds before pulling away as her face flushed a bright red.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Daryl growled low in his throat at her apology. She thought she had crossed the line, but he only wanted more. Moving his hand from her cheek, he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her back to him again. This time he deepened the kiss when their lips met and he took the time to savor the taste of her on his tongue. Everything about it felt right and he pulled Carol down into his lap as her arms wrapped around his neck. She pulled back after several minutes and rested her head upon his shoulder. She sighed softly and they sat there contentedly holding each other.

"How are the others?" She finally asked.

Daryl took a deep breath, "We lost Sasha, Doctor S, Beth...Hershel."

Carol gasped and her hand flew up to cover her mouth, "Oh no, Daryl!" Her voice was choked with unshed tears for her friends. "What about the others? Glenn? Lizzie and Mika?" She asked quickly.

"They're fine. The girls are fine," he assured her. "I...I ain't really there that much," he confessed.

Carol pulled back and stared at him. "Where have you been?" She asked carefully.

He rubbed the back of his neck wearily, "Nowhere special. Just needed to get out and clear my head."

Carol glanced down at her jeans for a moment, her fingers picking at a piece of lint there. "Is there...I mean, are you...Do you have someone?" She finally asked.

Daryl's chest began to slowly ache again. He remembered the woman from Woodbury whose name he never bothered to get and he knew how much that would hurt her. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her further by telling her about something that hadn't meant anything to him. At least he could say that he had never had sex with the woman.

Daryl slowly shook his head. "Ain't nobody there I care 'bout," he said softly.

Carol's lips lifted just a little, the hint of a smile playing on her lips, "And here?" She questioned.

Daryl swept his fingers through her longer curls, relishing in the feel of her warm body so alive and close to his. "Only one person I care 'bout here and it sure as hell ain't the walkers."

Carol let out a deep breath and lay her head back down against his chest. She played with the frayed strings of his shirt where he had once had sleeves, "Are you staying?" Her voice was slightly muffled, but her words pierced his heart.

He understood that they both wouldn't be able to return to the prison. Things weren't the same there and he figured they never would be. The people that remained there were so different from the people he knew from so long ago. He wouldn't ever be happy unless he was with her and deep in his heart he knew he wouldn't ever leave her.

He nodded his head shortly and he felt her tighten her grip on him. They stayed together, their hearts pressed together through the fabric of their shirts, beating almost as one. He had never felt such peace.

"I love you Daryl Dixon," Carol whispered, her breath warm against his neck.

His heartbeat increased tempo and he struggled to remain calm. He reached up with his big hand and clasped the back of her neck, tugging on her gently so that she tilted her face up to his. He brushed a curl from her forehead and let his fingers trail down her face whisper soft. Bending over he pressed his lips to her forehead, lingering there for several minutes while his other hand drifted to her shirt to lay over the pounding of her heart. Her eyes glistened with tears and he watched as one droplet escaped and traveled down the valleys of her face before he caught it with his finger. Nudging her head back down to his chest, he resumed his hold on her.

The light from the lantern flickered several times before winking out, the room becoming enveloped in darkness. Still they sat, warm and safe in the dark together. Daryl didn't need light to see her. She was in his mind everyday, in his dreams..in his soul. She was his light in the darkness of his soul and he had finally found his way back to her.

...

__


End file.
